I miss you.
I know that you are single, and that broke my heart, but not in the way that I thought it would.
It breaks my heart that I’m still hung up on the idea of you.
It breaks my heart that I still think about you every day.
How did I not know it was possible to feel this way, when I had prayed for it for years?
I never thought that I would be here, still typing something like this.
“You gave me your heart, and I asked you to dance with me
You loved honestly, gave what you could release”
I read something that I wrote back in February 2015, and it still rang true today.
It all comes down to this: you broke up with me, what am I supposed to do or say?
I want to. You have no idea how much I want to. I have had to stop myself every day since I found out. Every night has been torture for me. I come up with new, clever ways to capture your attention or reach out to you, but I have to stop myself. Do you know how sad that is? Do you know how many nights this endless love has kept me up? How many nights or days that I have cried through simply because I lost you so long ago. I know it wasn’t actually “so long ago”, but to me it feels like it, and then it doesn’t. When I try to remember certain aspects of it all, it gets hard. The details of it are fuzzy. This helps me, and it doesn’t. I want to remember it all, but I know that it will only hurt me more. I loved you with so much of my being. You will always have a piece of my heart. I remember growing up thinking that giving yourself away to someone and them having a piece of you could only happen with sex, with that powerful source of connection, but I was wrong. You don’t have to make love to give everything you have to someone. You don’t have to strip yourself down physically to do it mentally, emotionally, and on every personal level that you can think of. I gave you everything that I had, or so it seemed. I’m not sure what actually went wrong. I know that I have looked back on this many times, and questioned what actually happened, because I’m still not sure, and I never will be. (One of the hardest parts of any break up I think, is realizing that you may never understand or discover what it was that broke you in the first place). I had always wanted that to be clear, and I was searching for an answer from you, and I never knew how wrong that was. I blamed you for not loving me anymore, when there had always been two involved. No. That’s not right, I didn’t blame you per se, but I created that in my mind to be the source of my problems. I’m still doing it today. Just before typing this out, I went to my calendar and saw events and little inscriptions written down from this past year, and I became disposed to the idea that you had caused all of the problems. Not that you were the main source of the problem, but that my first love, and my first heartbreak, was the source. The love that I had for you, the plans we made, they were all meant to pan out after I came to Avila, and when they didn’t I had to make something up. I had to make friends, and branch out (just as I had wanted to do, but now it was without you there), go to parties, and experience the college life experience without whom I thought was my best friend and side kick. The part that really got me is that you said I was your best friend, that you didn’t want to lose me, and that you said that after we broke up, but never wanted to reach out to me and see how I was doing. You had told me that Alex and I were your best friends, the only people who truly knew you and so much about you that no one else ever knew, and that no one else could replace him or I. It just upsets me because I thought you were going to hurt like I would hurt. I thought that by coming to Avila, you would have seen by now that I am what you had been searching for, and that you would see that it was over; that you didn’t need to keep looking. I miss you, and your presence in my life because you were my best friend. You were everything that I ever had and needed during a hard time in my life, and then I lost you. I had nothing, and I had to force myself to stop feeling and stop talking to the one person I needed to and ever wanted to talk to. You were my person, and I thought you were going to be there for me with every step. I wish I wasn’t typing this and still feeling like I’m nothing to you. I don’t know and may never know if you ever think of me. I kind of hope that you do, because it seems that I will never forget you, and will possibly never stop thinking about you. I know that doesn’t have to be true, but it seems like every time I’m getting better; that I’m actually coming to terms with it; that I’m actually moving on, you come back into my life. It’s not even you though, which may be the worst part. It’s the thoughts of you. The images. The reminders. The dates, the numbers, the songs, the emotions, the pictures, or the social media updates that I find. You will always be my Augustus Waters, and I will not be yours. And I hope that you never lose Alex, your best friend. I hope that you hold onto that. I hope, and I pray that you find Jesus someday soon, and that you live as close as you can to Him. I swear that without Him, I would not be where or who I am today. He loves you so much Curtis, and it makes me so sad that you have yet to experience His love for you. I love you so much, and just wish that I could have seen you take that journey. You were so close to it, and I blew it up. I feel like I missed my chance with you, and I will never be able to make that up. Most days I wish that you were able to be baptized before our “big day”, and I know that that day, as it draws nearer, might be really hard for me. I wish you were closer to Him right now. I know that you’re hurting, and I so wish that I could tell you it’s going to get easier, but I honestly can’t, because I don’t know yet.