A Letter for the Anxiously Depressed

This is wonderful. Thank you, Indra for sharing this. I teared up when I read, “It comforts me that someday God will tell me why I’ve had to battle with anxiety for so long and that He gives His strongest soldiers the hardest battles”. I teared up at first and thought “I still don’t know, after He had just talked to me, and gave me one of the biggest revelations ever”, but I then remembered that He also told me that He wants me to have a better understanding of people, and I think I do have a better understanding, and most of that is due to having anxiety. I personally believe that if used correctly, those with anxiety understand others more, and are compassionate towards those who go misread or misunderstood. I hate that my anxieties are due to not placing my trust in God, but in this world, but I love that God has given me so many gracious gifts through my mistrust in Him.
Keep on sharing Indra.

a girl just trying to aspire to inspire

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As my friends and I are speeding through our Sophomore Year of college or their 2nd year out of high school I’ve noticed that more of my friends are being diagnosed with an array of anxiety disorders, depression and intrusive thoughts or that they’ve had it and are sharing their stories with me because I talk about my generalized anxiety so openly. If you’re reading this and have shared your story with me I would just like to say how proud of you I am. You’re one more person who wants to end the stigma of mental disorders. I know how tough it can be to talk it out to someone.

Since I’ve been out of high school, I’ve shared my story with numerous friends and some that I never would’ve thought had the same problems as me. I guess many people have also assumed that about me because I’m…

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To My Endless Love

I miss you.

I know that you are single, and that broke my heart, but not in the way that I thought it would.

It breaks my heart that I’m still hung up on the idea of you.

It breaks my heart that I still think about you every day.

How did I not know it was possible to feel this way, when I had prayed for it for years?

I never thought that I would be here, still typing something like this.

“You gave me your heart, and I asked you to dance with me

You loved honestly, gave what you could release”

I read something that I wrote back in February 2015, and it still rang true today.

 

It all comes down to this: you broke up with me, what am I supposed to do or say?

I can’t.

I want to. You have no idea how much I want to. I have had to stop myself every day since I found out. Every night has been torture for me. I come up with new, clever ways to capture your attention or reach out to you, but I have to stop myself. Do you know how sad that is? Do you know how many nights this endless love has kept me up? How many nights or days that I have cried through simply because I lost you so long ago. I know it wasn’t actually “so long ago”, but to me it feels like it, and then it doesn’t. When I try to remember certain aspects of it all, it gets hard. The details of it are fuzzy. This helps me, and it doesn’t. I want to remember it all, but I know that it will only hurt me more. I loved you with so much of my being. You will always have a piece of my heart. I remember growing up thinking that giving yourself away to someone and them having a piece of you could only happen with sex, with that powerful source of connection, but I was wrong. You don’t have to make love to give everything you have to someone. You don’t have to strip yourself down physically to do it mentally, emotionally, and on every personal level that you can think of. I gave you everything that I had, or so it seemed. I’m not sure what actually went wrong. I know that I have looked back on this many times, and questioned what actually happened, because I’m still not sure, and I never will be. (One of the hardest parts of any break up I think, is realizing that you may never understand or discover what it was that broke you in the first place). I had always wanted that to be clear, and I was searching for an answer from you, and I never knew how wrong that was. I blamed you for not loving me anymore, when there had always been two involved. No. That’s not right, I didn’t blame you per se, but I created that in my mind to be the source of my problems. I’m still doing it today. Just before typing this out, I went to my calendar and saw events and little inscriptions written down from this past year, and I became disposed to the idea that you had caused all of the problems. Not that you were the main source of the problem, but that my first love, and my first heartbreak, was the source. The love that I had for you, the plans we made, they were all meant to pan out after I came to Avila, and when they didn’t I had to make something up. I had to make friends, and branch out (just as I had wanted to do, but now it was without you there), go to parties, and experience the college life experience without whom I thought was my best friend and side kick. The part that really got me is that you said I was your best friend, that you didn’t want to lose me, and that you said that after we broke up, but never wanted to reach out to me and see how I was doing. You had told me that Alex and I were your best friends, the only people who truly knew you and so much about you that no one else ever knew, and that no one else could replace him or I. It just upsets me because I thought you were going to hurt like I would hurt. I thought that by coming to Avila, you would have seen by now that I am what you had been searching for, and that you would see that it was over; that you didn’t need to keep looking. I miss you, and your presence in my life because you were my best friend. You were everything that I ever had and needed during a hard time in my life, and then I lost you. I had nothing, and I had to force myself to stop feeling and stop talking to the one person I needed to and ever wanted to talk to. You were my person, and I thought you were going to be there for me with every step. I wish I wasn’t typing this and still feeling like I’m nothing to you. I don’t know and may never know if you ever think of me. I kind of hope that you do, because it seems that I will never forget you, and will possibly never stop thinking about you. I know that doesn’t have to be true, but it seems like every time I’m getting better; that I’m actually coming to terms with it; that I’m actually moving on, you come back into my life. It’s not even you though, which may be the worst part. It’s the thoughts of you. The images. The reminders. The dates, the numbers, the songs, the emotions, the pictures, or the social media updates that I find. You will always be my Augustus Waters, and I will not be yours. And I hope that you never lose Alex, your best friend. I hope that you hold onto that. I hope, and I pray that you find Jesus someday soon, and that you live as close as you can to Him. I swear that without Him, I would not be where or who I am today. He loves you so much Curtis, and it makes me so sad that you have yet to experience His love for you. I love you so much, and just wish that I could have seen you take that journey. You were so close to it, and I blew it up. I feel like I missed my chance with you, and I will never be able to make that up. Most days I wish that you were able to be baptized before our “big day”, and I know that that day, as it draws nearer, might be really hard for me. I wish you were closer to Him right now. I know that you’re hurting, and I so wish that I could tell you it’s going to get easier, but I honestly can’t, because I don’t know yet.

 

October 20, 2015 at 4:11pm

The potential & forgotten sacrifice I did not make

 Perhaps I have failed you this time two years ago in October, when you had silently asked me to leave him. 

I had no knowledge of it then, but maybe if I had opened the bible after that car ride, before he met me outside in front of his parents house.

I have frequently wondered what would have become of us if I had told him no that night.

If I had took the silence of the drive and its aftermath as an answer to leave him.

Would we be together now? 

Would he have given his faith a real and steady chance? 

Would he have made an even deeper and more personal connection to the church than he did.

But he did…

He was so close to the other side.

I always saw that in him.

I will always see his potential and how he could be the most incredibly beautiful Christ follower I would ever know.

Dearest God, my God, I love him so.

I am so terribly sorry that I didn’t leave him alone that night.

He asked me to give him a chance to find you, but rather than jumping on that as an opportunity to continue dating him, I should have taken a step or three backwards and regarded him in that moment as my soon-to-be brother in Christ.

I should have sacrificed my only dream to you just as Abraham had way back when. 

“Why I hope my ex was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love”

Why I Hope My Ex Was A Once-In-A-Lifetime Kind Of Love

This, my friends, is a wonderful blog post.
“I hope it was a once in a lifetime kind of love for the both of us, and I hope one day we both find a better, more whole kind of love.”
Cue one of my favorite lines from a movie that will always remind me of him, even when it reminded him of someone else:

“I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.”
I am thankful that you were my first and my last of that kind of love, and that it seems you have found the one you had been looking for all along ❤️

Action for E.D.s

Some of my many passions are eating  disorders, fitness, and eating. These are separate passions for many, but for some, actually a lot, these passions share the same umbrella. And I don’t know if so many of my friends and family know about this issue that has consumed much of my thoughts since I was about 10.

I don’t think that many understand the impact of their words and actions towards others.

I’m not sure if enough individuals and groups understand or have knowledge on the fact that just because someone seems happy and content with their weight it could actually be a facade that has been mastered over years of being put into practice.

I’m not sure if they know that according to the statistics one, two, or even a handful of their friends/family could be battling with an eating disorder right now.

I don’t believe that we take into account and actually dissect our words enough to understand how it could hurt someone and their mental growth.

I also don’t think a lot of my acquaintances/friends realize that just because I am or many others may be thinner than others that we don’t feel that way all the time, or for some any of the time lived in their frail bodies.

It baffles me when some say that thinner women should not feel bad about themselves because they are lucky to be so thin.

That is harming someone’s mental health.

It hurts me to know that there are examples like this that I came across today:



And I know that most of those who said the comments do not remember ever having said them.

Parents have one of the strongest impacts on a child’s mental health;  their self-image, self-worth, & self-esteem. 

From my own experience, I have been blessed with those around me, with their filtered conversation and actions. I have been blessed with my body that is mobile and able to react to the workouts that I commit to for it. I am so blessed.

That doesn’t mean that I am mentally stable/ maintain a healthy body image.

You cannot take what you see on the outside and make assumptions of a person’s health.

Having a higher BMI does not indicate that the person is unhealthy, and that they need your words of advice to help them.

Having a lower or normal BMI does not indicate that they are aware of their actual body size or that their overall health is intact.

Please, realize that your words, quick assumptions, and actions towards other could be harmful. What you say now could be what stays by their side throughout their life and could be the cause of their mental illness.

I vow to remember this, work on it, and prepare myself for future encounters, and for the impact I will have on my own being and the babies I may someday have.
Thanks for listening.

October 21st 2015 later night thoughts of thankfulness:

  
Tonight, and most of today I’ve been feeling very thankful for so many things, & I’d like to utilize my resources to share some of that with you all…So, I’ve never had a dream job. I’ve never been able to tell someone that I want a constant career in a specific field, or anything like that; at least in the way others have described it to me. 

Well over the past couple of months I’ve realized that I have so many gifts from God that I am capable of expressing in a variety of ways and so many gifts that He has given me through opportunities and through a truly blessed and extremely fortunate life. And yet, it was absurd to me that I could never think of a way to utilize those gifts to glorify Him in a convenient way. 

Yet, I just realized that there is no convenient way, or perhaps there is for some, but for many, those gifts are spread out into different settings. 

My career may use up one of my gifts, but I can use all of the others through the different areas of my life. I do not need to find a job that will use all of my gifts.

I am thankful for that knowledge.

I am thankful that God has given me so many gifts and talents and such a wild personality at times.

I am so thankful that through such an ugly time in my personal life and growth, God decided to give me a multitude of blessings.

He gave me that place where I feel most content and where I feel I belong to in this moment of my life.

Although I am always searching for the next chapter, I know that this is the city that I needed to experience first. 

I am thankful for my dorm; for the community lifestyle that I have discovered I do not want to live without…ever. 

I am thankful for my privacy in some instances, where I can be myself to that full extent and just breathe.

I am thankful for a box set of the show Friends, which I finally began to use this year, and to use it in a dorm, away from home has always been on my bucket list. I am happy to be able to watch it. Especially in fall.

I am thankful for my actual friends. For sending me other blog posts and other people’s opinions and thoughts.

I am thankful to the friends that accept my quirkiness and my ability to challenge some norms. 

I am thankful to my face mask (that is pictured); for its healing abilities and the texture it quickly forms on my skin. I am also thankful that I am brave enough to bare it every night. Although that sounds strange to be thankful for, many find my clay to be weird and disgusting…so… That’s college girls for ya. 😉

I am thankful to the farms. Forever thankful. 

I am thankful, always thankful, yet I should always show it more often, to my God. My firm foundation. My everlasting love. My creator and father. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you. Thank you. 
Where have you seen God today?

His Escape of Oblivion

I gave him the power of breaking me

You’d think it’d only last so long – the breaking of my being

but that’s where you’re wrong; where I was wrong too.

You see, I was so wrong to think he wasn’t capable of loving me + then leaving me more in love with him.

I figured I would leave him

right before he was able to conjure up the smallest idea of it.

Yet he did it

He accepted the challenge and won.

He has won for a year now

(scribbles from my draft written in class were entered here)

Maybe I didn’t give him the power.

He must have known he was willing and was waiting to use this power for years.

He thought, he said, and he believed I would hurt him,

leave him even.

I believed it too.

I fell under his power, that we both were blindsided by

He was a fantastic, magical force

I continue to write about him, and he hasn’t read a single word of it all

My stories of loss over him, over our love,

are all shots in the dark

Fired with no hope of being discovered

They are for him, or about him; of him

They are for me, for healing

He will never know his power to the extent that I do.

I know something that she doesn’t.

I know a piece of him that I hope she never oncovers

She may never know him like I do, and for that, I am thankful.

He wanted to escape oblivion, and he won it, he achieved it,

in my heart.

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(Figured I’d show to original work before I crumpled it up.)

Fall into it

One of the sweetest things a friend told me was that they wished it was fall all year round for me. They explained to me that I am so much happier in the colder months. The fact that they would wish my favorite month, perhaps not their own favorite, to occur all the time, was just the sweetest thing for me to hear. Although they sadly cannot make that wish come true, I think it is a nice thought and imaginative favor.

Then it got me thinking… Would I be as happy if I lived in a world where it was fall every day? Would I get used to it and become sad after awhile? Perhaps I am happier when it is fall because I have something to compare it to. Is that how we fall in love as well? We contrast and compare souls to other souls and discover the one we want and choose them over and over again?

I started to realize that I loved fall when I noticed how my skin reacted to the chilly air in comparison to the humid atmosphere that comes with August. I began to dread the summer months because I knew that with it I would have to shed some clothes and bare the part of myself that I was most self-conscious about. I started to wear jeans in the summertime, regardless of the heat and uncomfortableness of it all.  I just wanted fall.

Fall could make me sad too though. With no boyfriend to hold or share laughs with and pick pumpkins with, I began to feel lonely. I had my family and often times my friends, but the fall and winter months had always made me feel increasingly lonely. Fortunately, I grew to love myself more through this. In high school and the earlier years of college I figured it would be better to date myself than to date no one. I had plenty of time to lay on the couch upstairs and snuggle into myself and watch movies, with glasses of sparkling cider. It was still my favorite time of year. I constantly imagined what my life would be like in the years to come, in the wintertime with my man. I’m convinced I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting him, and that’s a nice thought as well. As nice as the compliment of my friend noticing I am happier in the fall and winter.

I love fall because it interacts well with my skin for the most part, makes me feel more comfortable, cozy, and reminds me of falling in love.

Falling in love is similar to the changes of colors, realizing that you may blend well with another soul. You transform into a more caring, loving, happy individual, with much more to look forward to in each day. Fall is where people truly fall in love and begin to come together. Winter is where the bond becomes stronger and is closely knit together through the days leading up to the holidays. The lights, the snow, the warm cups of drinks, everything pours into the loving atmosphere.

Today I am thankful for:

  • Holidays
  • Remembering that this time last year I was crying into the arms of a man that I still loved more than my words could ever express, but at this point it was more than certain to be an unrequited type of love.
  • Realizing that I have been slowly recovering from that experience, thanks to the grace of God.
  • The Prince of Peace
  • Unrequited love – to contrast great love with
  • The fall
  • Winter
  • Hot coffee
  • Legs with the ability to run and wrap around, and stretch far and up
  • Lungs with the ability to breathe in at least a little bit
  • Kind doctors
  • The farms
  • God’s presence
  • My bible, my small group
  • Those who understand my instagram, and I know that they are liking the posts because they relate on some level to my intention of posting.
  • My kind and sweet and giving parents, for without them I would not be as free as I am and willing to love others as I am
  • The transformations of a new day
  • The lovely world of tumblr
  • quotes and books
  • Jesus
  • Unfailing love that is out there and that holds me every day

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(Nice picture I stumbled upon on tumblr, and I thought it would fit nicely with this post.)

-AHM

From Eden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMx-Pua_HPc

This one is for that summer boy.

Hozier is a gift that I shared with you. Came back to bite me. Never would I have thought this song would apply to you.

“Babe, there’s something tragic about you
Something so magic about you
Don’t you agree?

Babe, there’s something lonesome about you
Something so wholesome about you
Get closer to me

No tired sighs, no rolling eyes, no irony
No ‘who cares’, no vacant stares, no time for me

Honey, you’re familiar like my mirror years ago
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword
Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know
I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

Babe, there’s something wretched about this
Something so precious about this

[Live version inclusion:
Where to begin

Babe, there’s something broken about this
But I might be hoping about this.]

Oh, what a sin

To the strand a picnic plan for you and me
A rope in hand for your other man to hang from a tree

Honey, you’re familiar like my mirror years ago
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword
Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know
I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

Honey, you’re familiar like my mirror years ago
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword
Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know
I slithered here from Eden just to hide outside your door.”

The line, “a rope in hand for your other man to hang from a tree”…. You had a rope in hand for your ex girlfriend, but you ran back to her. Thank you for that. Showing me the ways of your heart, a place where I do not, and will not ever belong.

If you flee the country and so do I, my hope is that you leave her behind. But that you nevercome back to me again. And that I never come back to you. Sometimes your 15 year old desires should remain just as that… 15 year old desires are not 21 year old desires and plans. At least for me they should not be.