There are some things I want you to know.
I’ve held back coming in contact with you for years. I suppose it’s been one year of completely staying out of contact. However, there were many times in the past 3 years that I had to stop myself from reaching out to you.
It’s not easy for me to say no to myself with something involving my emotions, and feelings towards another. I have always done my best to let others know how I feel about them.
I wanted to talk to you, but I knew you didn’t want to hear from me.
I wanted you there to help move me into my dorm. You said you’d be there.
I half wished you showed up anyway.
I wanted you to take me back into your arms and call me yours when we met and went to talk at Panera. Instead, I made you cry over a conversation about how I know your father loves you.
You told me I was your best friend, and that you wanted me in your life. Instead, you pushed me away.
Your actual best friend does not love you more than his wife. You would know this if you were married, and understood a healthy marriage.
You were wrong about me. I have since proved you wrong.
I may have needed life experience, but I was not as inexperienced as you may have believed.
I was never put in a situation with you where my talents were made to shine.
You breaking up with me, being thrown into the fire of college by myself in a new city, 400 miles away from my family, 4 new jobs, a new relationship, graduating college, and going into the work force has given me all of the experience I think you wanted from me… and so much more.
You had no idea what was up my sleeve.
Neither did I.
But I knew deep down that I was more than “that girl who was broken up with because she doesn’t have life experience”. I was more than the girl who wasn’t loved anymore by the one that she chose day in and day out to love.
I wanted to marry you.
I believed you would come to my Lord, and be saved.
I believed that you would cherish me, and you didn’t.
You chose your friends over me, you chose your job over me, and you chose someone else over me.
You couldn’t imagine a life with me in it anymore, and you didn’t want to bother to inform me of this new information.
I had to dig that truth out for myself. Do you know what it feels like to have someone you love deeply, and want to be with forever tell you that they don’t feel the same anymore?
That one day that person you have chosen to be with for the rest of your days can wake up one morning and decide that you don’t make the cut. That you’re unwanted by the one you want the most. I never got to choose. I was handed a new life, with no one to listen to what I wanted.
You never gave me a second look.
It’s as if you knew you never wanted to speak to me again.
Then, a year and a half later you invite me over to your new place.
A few months after that you accept my offer to come over and help you in your new place (to which you didn’t need my help…).
Several months go by, and you tell my friend that you don’t want to lead on.
If you didn’t want to lead me on, why would you think it okay to invite me over?
How does that not “lead me on”?
You should have told me that when you were giving me space to move on, that it was really an invitation to step out of your life forever.
You needed life experience.
I’m still not sure you’ve got it.