Rory Gilmore told herself she would not wallow. When she eventually did, we found ourselves crying the same type of tears (she within a tv episode that occurred years ago; I within reality recalling my own “years ago”).

Rory Gilmore is from the hit TV series “Gilmore Girls” that I have most recently become attached to, and plan to watch 7 seasons of. (For those of you wondering, and so that no one asks questions beyond my own knowledge with spoilers attached – I just finished the first season!)

This wallowing happened due to Rory’s first break-up… with her first love.

They dated for 3 months, and for some that would be nothing, but I could feel her pain.

You never quite forget your first love.

You can try as hard as you can, and wish the pain away, or pray a thousand prayers each day, but your mind seems to drift back to that place in the past more frequently than you’d prefer.

I was like Rory in many ways. After my first break-up with my fiancé I decided that I would not wallow. Sure, I cried the night he broke it off, but the next day I woke up and decided to move on right then and there. I wanted to focus on all of the positives.

I had my hopes and dreams of getting back together with my first love, which I guess helped with my “healing” process. I figured he would come back around to the idea of us eventually – especially after I moved closer and closed the distance between us.

It took awhile for reality to officially settle in. And when it did I seemed to dance with the idea of it. I couldn’t accept it, and had a hard time understanding that my first love would not come back to me, and that it didn’t want me anymore. I thought and grew up on in my own imagination and through countless rom coms that your first love, the real and deep one, the one that got down on one knee, would be your last. I wanted nothing more than to believe he would follow my homie Jesus and come running back to me. Or at least be skipping along in life and then trip over the leg I stuck out for him in order to make him fall back in love with me.

It’s hard to realize that you are nearly haunted 2 years after said break-up.

I still think of him from time to time. And if I have thought of him once that day, it is more than likely that he stars in at least 10 more thoughts.

It is all the more agonizing to watch or read of a character getting their heart broken in a similar way. It aches and it opens up wounds that I am becoming more prone to forgetting. However, after watching their heart break, my ex becomes more prevalent in my mind for the next couple of days. It sucks.

We live in close proximity again. Due to this little factor, I grow concerned that I will one day bump into him. Will it be at the grocery store? Which aisle? The movies? Will I be with my boyfriend when I see him? Has he seen me already? Did he feel anything if he did see me? What will I say if I see him? Should I be funny? Nonchalant? Should I just run from the situation altogether?

What’s even worse than all of this is that I have a fantastic guy in my life now, and I still have to put up with all of this senseless thinking. Why on earth am I even playing around with the ideas of seeing him again?

His name comes into my mind less now than it did before. Before, I grew worried that one day his name would slip through my sentences when trying to insert my boyfriend’s name.

I feel guilty for ever thinking of my ex, and ever comparing them together, when they are incredibly different. I am lucky that they are different. It almost feels like I am cheating or being unfaithful to have any thoughts of my ex. I will always wish these feelings and thoughts away.

I don’t want to compare my current relationship with the realtionship I can hardly remember from the past. I want to fully move on. I will take remembering his name. I want to rid myself of the memories and feelings I once had. I want it all to drift away. I want peace and understanding from my past. I need more healing.

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