For all the times you broke my heart.

There are some things I want you to know.

I’ve held back coming in contact with you for years. I suppose it’s been one year of completely staying out of contact. However, there were many times in the past 3 years that I had to stop myself from reaching out to you.

It’s not easy for me to say no to myself with something involving my emotions, and feelings towards another. I have always done my best to let others know how I feel about them.

I wanted to talk to you, but I knew you didn’t want to hear from me.

I wanted you there to help move me into my dorm. You said you’d be there.

I half wished you showed up anyway.

I wanted you to take me back into your arms and call me yours when we met and went to talk at Panera. Instead, I made you cry over a conversation about how I know your father loves you.

You told me I was your best friend, and that you wanted me in your life. Instead, you pushed me away.

Your actual best friend does not love you more than his wife. You would know this if you were married, and understood a healthy marriage.

You were wrong about me. I have since proved you wrong.

I may have needed life experience, but I was not as inexperienced as you may have believed.

I was never put in a situation with you where my talents were made to shine.

You breaking up with me, being thrown into the fire of college by myself in a new city, 400 miles away from my family, 4 new jobs, a new relationship, graduating college, and going into the work force has given me all of the experience I think you wanted from me… and so much more.

You had no idea what was up my sleeve.

Neither did I.

But I knew deep down that I was more than “that girl who was broken up with because she doesn’t have life experience”. I was more than the girl who wasn’t loved anymore by the one that she chose day in and day out to love.

I wanted to marry you.

I believed you would come to my Lord, and be saved.

I believed that you would cherish me, and you didn’t.

You chose your friends over me, you chose your job over me, and you chose someone else over me.

You couldn’t imagine a life with me in it anymore, and you didn’t want to bother to inform me of this new information.

I had to dig that truth out for myself. Do you know what it feels like to have someone you love deeply, and want to be with forever tell you that they don’t feel the same anymore?

That one day that person you have chosen to be with for the rest of your days can wake up one morning and decide that you don’t make the cut. That you’re unwanted by the one you want the most. I never got to choose. I was handed a new life, with no one to listen to what I wanted.

You never gave me a second look.

It’s as if you knew you never wanted to speak to me again.

Then, a year and a half later you invite me over to your new place.

A few months after that you accept my offer to come over and help you in your new place (to which you didn’t need my help…).

Several months go by, and you tell my friend that you don’t want to lead on.

If you didn’t want to lead me on, why would you think it okay to invite me over?

How does that not “lead me on”?

You should have told me that when you were giving me space to move on, that it was really an invitation to step out of your life forever.

You needed life experience.

I’m still not sure you’ve got it.

My Demons.

Once upon a time, I was blamed for a roommate being almost sexually assaulted because I was too drunk and/or committed to sleep to care. (Truth be told, that was a sketchy night and there are two sides to literally every side and story…).

Once upon a time, I smoked weed in college. More than once.

Once upon a time, after being broken up with by the love of my life I went and kissed 8 different men to try and get over him. It didn’t work.

Many once upon a times, I have been worrisome about things I cannot change, and situations that had yet to occur.

Once upon a time, I installed Tinder to find said ex and make him fall back in love with me. (Love will cause you to do some crazy… shit.)

Once upon a time, I stole from a grocery store. (I drank a drink while shopping and didn’t want to pay for it, because I didn’t like it… I definitely didn’t follow my instinctual guilt, and there’s no justification. I am a thief.)

Once upon a time, I lied to my father about my whereabouts. I told him I was going out to see a friend, when I was actually visiting my ex boyfriend. I broke my own heart many times over the course of two years from my own wrongdoings. Trust the Lord and His will.

Many upon a times, I have counted and pointed out the flaws of my friends, coworkers and core members before pointing out and correcting the planks in my own eyes.

Many upon a times, I have sinned and sinned again. I continue to sin, just as we all do. It takes me multiple tries before I get it right (such as the pot incidents… I just couldn’t bring myself to stop at a one time occurrence.)

My sins have brought about years of pain and suffering. But my Lord has brought new bright, shining, and gracious gifts from my own darkness (such as my current boyfriend from my Tinder experience). He knows we live in a fallen world. He knows that we will sin again and again. Every leader that has gone before us has done so. Look at the book of Joshua. It took one sin of not trusting the Lord to lead to a 40 year march to get to the Promised Land. God serves justice, and He also keeps His promises. He will always provide. He will bring light to your darkness, and you will receive lessons and gifts from your suffering for your sins. Be patient and watch as the Lord’s greatness unfolds before you in your life’s journey.

All of my once or twice upon a time’s bring sadness to me because it means I have failed in many situations. But every single time I was forgiven by a God who loves me more than my flaws take hold of me.
If God can forgive me and my sins, He can and will forgive all of any sin. Every sin is the same in His eyes, so bring it all to Him.

Remember that He cares and loves for you. Every day. Come to Him and confess.

*Disclaimer: I am writing this out of some calling to post my past transgressions. I do not need any justification or new respect from anyone. I also want to be sure that everyone knows this is the smallest list I could come up with. I HAVE SO MANY OTHER SINS! The Lord has forgiven me of all of them. Especially the ones I have gone to Him and asked directly for the forgiveness of. Even the ones I have long forgotten of. My long list is in His hands, and He doesn’t care for them as much as I sinfully do.*

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You Never Quite Forget.

Rory Gilmore told herself she would not wallow. When she eventually did, we found ourselves crying the same type of tears (she within a tv episode that occurred years ago; I within reality recalling my own “years ago”).

Rory Gilmore is from the hit TV series “Gilmore Girls” that I have most recently become attached to, and plan to watch 7 seasons of. (For those of you wondering, and so that no one asks questions beyond my own knowledge with spoilers attached – I just finished the first season!)

This wallowing happened due to Rory’s first break-up… with her first love.

They dated for 3 months, and for some that would be nothing, but I could feel her pain.

You never quite forget your first love.

You can try as hard as you can, and wish the pain away, or pray a thousand prayers each day, but your mind seems to drift back to that place in the past more frequently than you’d prefer.

I was like Rory in many ways. After my first break-up with my fiancé I decided that I would not wallow. Sure, I cried the night he broke it off, but the next day I woke up and decided to move on right then and there. I wanted to focus on all of the positives.

I had my hopes and dreams of getting back together with my first love, which I guess helped with my “healing” process. I figured he would come back around to the idea of us eventually – especially after I moved closer and closed the distance between us.

It took awhile for reality to officially settle in. And when it did I seemed to dance with the idea of it. I couldn’t accept it, and had a hard time understanding that my first love would not come back to me, and that it didn’t want me anymore. I thought and grew up on in my own imagination and through countless rom coms that your first love, the real and deep one, the one that got down on one knee, would be your last. I wanted nothing more than to believe he would follow my homie Jesus and come running back to me. Or at least be skipping along in life and then trip over the leg I stuck out for him in order to make him fall back in love with me.

It’s hard to realize that you are nearly haunted 2 years after said break-up.

I still think of him from time to time. And if I have thought of him once that day, it is more than likely that he stars in at least 10 more thoughts.

It is all the more agonizing to watch or read of a character getting their heart broken in a similar way. It aches and it opens up wounds that I am becoming more prone to forgetting. However, after watching their heart break, my ex becomes more prevalent in my mind for the next couple of days. It sucks.

We live in close proximity again. Due to this little factor, I grow concerned that I will one day bump into him. Will it be at the grocery store? Which aisle? The movies? Will I be with my boyfriend when I see him? Has he seen me already? Did he feel anything if he did see me? What will I say if I see him? Should I be funny? Nonchalant? Should I just run from the situation altogether?

What’s even worse than all of this is that I have a fantastic guy in my life now, and I still have to put up with all of this senseless thinking. Why on earth am I even playing around with the ideas of seeing him again?

His name comes into my mind less now than it did before. Before, I grew worried that one day his name would slip through my sentences when trying to insert my boyfriend’s name.

I feel guilty for ever thinking of my ex, and ever comparing them together, when they are incredibly different. I am lucky that they are different. It almost feels like I am cheating or being unfaithful to have any thoughts of my ex. I will always wish these feelings and thoughts away.

I don’t want to compare my current relationship with the realtionship I can hardly remember from the past. I want to fully move on. I will take remembering his name. I want to rid myself of the memories and feelings I once had. I want it all to drift away. I want peace and understanding from my past. I need more healing.

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