I’ve planned two weddings in this short lifetime of mine.
Two weddings that never happened, and won’t apart from the imagined processions in my mind.
(Unless by God’s mighty hand things change and one of them comes back to me).
Engaged once, and almost engaged on this day to two different and incredible men.
I am one lucky duck to have loved and to have lost.
I have since made myself a promise.
I promise that as much as I can control it that I will not be in another relationship until I know, or think I know, that this man will be in my life forever.
We will date.
We will go out and discover each other.
It will be like we are in a relationship, and we will be, but I won’t make it official.
We will essentially go from dating (without being bf/gf) into engagement.
I know I may not stick to this plan, (mainly due to social norms), but it’s what I want.
I want “third time’s the charm”, and “this is it”.
I want to be “sure” of it, like so many have told me they are/were.
I want to be in love and feel head over heels for the person I am with.
I want to be more in love with life with him than I am with life by myself.
I know I am meant to be married, with children, and living out that ministry.
I was given this dream at an early age, like many girls are.
I will wait.
He will wait too.
We will be together and it will be more beautiful than being on our own.
A wide variety of people have given me their 2¢ about my last relationship.
Most of them were glorifying our relationship, which is what we strived to have people NOT do.
We did that to your relationships too though.
We damned humans can’t help ourselves glorify others, and put others relationships on a pedestal.
Our relationship had many ups and downs.
To me it seemed there were more downs, which is incredibly saddening to know the other person thought differently.
We were not on the same page.
These things happen.
People change their minds.
Feelings become distorted, and diverse.
I will always love him.
Every love is different.
I am now waiting for the one I know will make my days brighter, and fuller.
One that brings me closer to the mission, to Christ, and to each other.
I do not want to have, or make another engagement ring until it is the last one.
I now have that “life experience” one ex told me I needed.
I now know more about respect, and worrying less.
I have learned a lot.
I will begin to care less about others 2¢, and worry more about cleaning out my own closet that is full of them.
Two weddings; two sets of memories.
The third shall be it.
With great love,
The Mackenzie Diaries.