I’ve planned two weddings in this short lifetime of mine.

Two weddings that never happened, and won’t apart from the imagined processions in my mind.

(Unless by God’s mighty hand things change and one of them comes back to me).

Engaged once, and almost engaged on this day to two different and incredible men.

I am one lucky duck to have loved and to have lost.

I have since made myself a promise.

I promise that as much as I can control it that I will not be in another relationship until I know, or think I know, that this man will be in my life forever.

We will date.

We will go out and discover each other.

It will be like we are in a relationship, and we will be, but I won’t make it official.

We will essentially go from dating (without being bf/gf) into engagement.

I know I may not stick to this plan, (mainly due to social norms), but it’s what I want.

I want “third time’s the charm”, and “this is it”.

I want to be “sure” of it, like so many have told me they are/were.

I want to be in love and feel head over heels for the person I am with.

I want to be more in love with life with him than I am with life by myself.

I know I am meant to be married, with children, and living out that ministry.

I was given this dream at an early age, like many girls are.

I will wait.

He will wait too.

We will be together and it will be more beautiful than being on our own.

A wide variety of people have given me their 2¢ about my last relationship.

Most of them were glorifying our relationship, which is what we strived to have people NOT do.

Damn humans.

We did that to your relationships too though.

We damned humans can’t help ourselves glorify others, and put others relationships on a pedestal.

Our relationship had many ups and downs.

To me it seemed there were more downs, which is incredibly saddening to know the other person thought differently.

We were not on the same page.

These things happen.

People change their minds.

Feelings become distorted, and diverse.

I will always love him.

Every love is different.

I am now waiting for the one I know will make my days brighter, and fuller.

One that brings me closer to the mission, to Christ, and to each other.

I do not want to have, or make another engagement ring until it is the last one.

I now have that “life experience” one ex told me I needed.

I now know more about respect, and worrying less.

I have learned a lot.

I will begin to care less about others 2¢, and worry more about cleaning out my own closet that is full of them.

Two weddings; two sets of memories.

The third shall be it.


With great love,

The Mackenzie Diaries.

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This morning I had scrolled to a post on Facebook from a friend I had known in high school. She had reached her goal of $100,000. She had saved this money for a future house. I’m 22 years old. She’s younger than I and holds the life of a skilled and wonderful photographer. I was in shock; I said some profanity out of disbelief. I kept scrolling to avoid any inevitable jealousy. I scrolled back up to make sure it was true.

I ended up going on a walk that day. As I was walking this gorgeous path at a favorite park of mine, I was struck by this familiar feeling. I felt as if I was walking down a similar walkway in Scotland, or Dublin. I was in love with this feeling. I always am when it occurs to me. I kept reading and a thought popped into my head, as it usually does when I get this feeling. I thought, “I must go back soon”. I kept walking and reading my book, but couldn’t help think back to the $100,000 goal reached by my relentlessly motivated friend.
All morning I was going through ways in which I could save to that amount and possibly more. My goal had always been to reach $50,000 in my savings account. I had always figured that in itself would take me until I was at least 40 to reach. That was until I had seen that post.
On this walk with my book and familiar sense of elsewhere, I began to realize that deep down I didn’t want to save until every goal was achieved. I want to save until I can escape reality again. Until I can explore and use all of that which was saved. I want to wander endless streets that were once unknown to me.

And so, I will save. I will save however much I can. I will not compare my savings to others who are saving more or less. I will save my own honest earnings, and give that which is called upon me to give. I will travel this world like I always promised myself I would.
I will go. I will lead. I will save. I will spend it in the greatest way possible.

Time and its Telling

What does it mean when she breaks it off, but can’t break her mind off of talking to him?

How could she fool herself into feeling like she fell in love, and then realize 7 months later that it is more like a friendship?

Or did she trick herself into feeling like it was more like a friendship?

Did she get scared?

The words written down in that journal tell a different story…

The magic of the fact that the journal lay open on the bed, when it was indeed closed.

How does that happen?

The conversation was meant to happen the next day, or rather that weekend…

It happened on a Thursday.

Nothing is ever supposed to happen on a Thursday.

This Thursday was the Thursday of all Thursdays.

7 months prior was the asking of the hand in a new relationship.

One that would eventually lead to marriage.

Because they both figured they were sure of it.

Perhaps they still are.

Now she hears things like, “You don’t find peace until you love somebody else.”

And she wonders what that means…

One last break up.

That’s all they have.

That’s all they ever asked for.

It’s been prayed in prayer circles around that cafe, and in her mind for hours.

Months even…

She couldn’t stop thinking about how it could end.

She couldn’t stop worrying about if this one wasn’t the one the Lord had prepared for her.

What if there’s someone else?

What if this isn’t what it’s supposed to feel like?

What if it is him?

What if she’s driving herself mad, and she needs to wait it out…

The what ifs may have been right, but they could have slammed a door shut that He so badly wanted to open.

She closed it shut, then cracked it open.

Her doubts in herself began to open that door again.

Is this what He wants?

These thoughts torment her.

Others that had rooted them on. They taunt her from the other side of her mind.

Where were all of those answers coming from?

Did she think them all up herself?

Was God giving her those answers?

Why the two yeses and then one no?

What happens now?

Always fasting for answers.

He said to fast for joy, peace, and fun…

They didn’t have enough fun.

Everything seemed so serious.

Was she herself?

Why did she stop working out?

Why were there no butterflies?

Is that not odd?

Would they be happy in the years to come?

Are these questions that everyone has?

The endless dreams of what could be flood in…

The dreams of the past slip by, but linger as they do.

“That would have been nice to do with him.”

Or will it become a reality?

Only time will tell…