I know you don’t like me talking about him, or living in the past, and definitely not comparing you to him. Well don’t worry, only all but the last will happen in this post.
(I may compare you to him in the good way though, if that’s alright with you; I have a feeling it is. Plus, I just had you read this over to see if it was okay to post, and you didn’t seem to have a problem with it.)
To Start Off:
I hope that you don’t regret him breaking my heart, and causing me pain, (along with the breaking of my heart that I caused myself from this pain). I don’t regret it, as I’ve stated many times before. Want to know why? Of course you do, because you’ve made it this far, and you can’t stop your silly self from continuing.
To make a second start:
If I hadn’t gone through all that I had with him, through the nights where I sat alone in a dark room, with no replies from him, only to find out later he wasn’t in love with me anymore; if I hadn’t gone through the pain I endured and dragged myself through time and time again, I would have overlooked you.
I wouldn’t have known the goodness that comes with a man like you. I wouldn’t have wanted you the way I now know that I do.
I would have swiped and accepted another that was in the same life situation as he had been, just as I actually did more than a handful of times before meeting you. I wanted everything that I knew deep down was wrong for me. I knew that each boy I kissed after him was a mistake, and that I was being unfaithful to my future partner, with each individual selfish touch. I knew all of that and more, but the thrill of it and the deep, drawn out emotion I felt from each experience led me to press on in the crooked direction.
I hope that you don’t regret him, because without him shattering the idea of what I thought I was looking for, I would not be in your arms, with you speaking The Word to me, rather than me just speaking it to myself, attempting to trust in my own faith and what it means to me, or if it is worth it.
To Somewhat Tie All of That Together:
I told you that I probably won’t be the one to break up with you, if things go south, to the point where we both cannot, even with the power of Christ, fix our relationship and it’s sin or unmatchable nature. I know this because I wouldn’t break up with him, regardless of all of the detrimental signs he was giving me, and I was giving myself, but I made excuses. I didn’t want to quit, or give up, as I had thought abandoning a relationship would mean. And who would want to break up with their first, and whom they assumed was their last and only fiancé? I had only pictured one in all of my childhood dreams. I don’t think any little girl predicts they will wear two different rings from two different men, or perhaps one and then never have the promise of “till death do us part”. I try to stick things out, and I am as faithful as I can try to be within this human condition. I will not want to give up, even on days that I feel are “off” or where we long to fall asleep not talking, but will eventually do our best to talk through the conflict laid before us that day.
To Perhaps Conclude:
I am thankful towards my past and first love, because he brought me to you, and that is wonderful. He changed my perspective enough for me to realize I deserved better, and that better was never going to be his future self, as I had hoped it would be for more than a year after our relationship had ended. I am so happy and grateful that I had sinned so much to the point where Jesus allowed me so many more chances, and then placed you into the mix (as twisted as that sounds).
I have not felt guilty for our relationship. I don’t believe I ever will need to either. I am lucky to have loved and lost, and to have been brought a new love out of my sin, lust, and wrongful decisions.
Introducing Ye Dorks of KC: