The Other Man (That Once Held My Heart)

I know you don’t like me talking about him, or living in the past, and definitely not comparing you to him. Well don’t worry, only all but the last will happen in this post.

(I may compare you to him in the good way though, if that’s alright with you; I have a feeling it is. Plus, I just had you read this over to see if it was okay to post, and you didn’t seem to have a problem with it.)

To Start Off:
I hope that you don’t regret him breaking my heart, and causing me pain, (along with the breaking of my heart that I caused myself from this pain). I don’t regret it, as I’ve stated many times before. Want to know why? Of course you do, because you’ve made it this far, and you can’t stop your silly self from continuing.

To make a second start:
If I hadn’t gone through all that I had with him, through the nights where I sat alone in a dark room, with no replies from him, only to find out later he wasn’t in love with me anymore; if I hadn’t gone through the pain I endured and dragged myself through time and time again, I would have overlooked you.
I wouldn’t have known the goodness that comes with a man like you. I wouldn’t have wanted you the way I now know that I do.
I would have swiped and accepted another that was in the same life situation as he had been, just as I actually did more than a handful of times before meeting you. I wanted everything that I knew deep down was wrong for me. I knew that each boy I kissed after him was a mistake, and that I was being unfaithful to my future partner, with each individual selfish touch. I knew all of that and more, but the thrill of it and the deep, drawn out emotion I felt from each experience led me to press on in the crooked direction.
I hope that you don’t regret him, because without him shattering the idea of what I thought I was looking for, I would not be in your arms, with you speaking The Word to me, rather than me just speaking it to myself, attempting to trust in my own faith and what it means to me, or if it is worth it.

To Somewhat Tie All of That Together:
I told you that I probably won’t be the one to break up with you, if things go south, to the point where we both cannot, even with the power of Christ, fix our relationship and it’s sin or unmatchable nature. I know this because I wouldn’t break up with him, regardless of all of the detrimental signs he was giving me, and I was giving myself, but I made excuses. I didn’t want to quit, or give up, as I had thought abandoning a relationship would mean. And who would want to break up with their first, and whom they assumed was their last and only fiancé? I had only pictured one in all of my childhood dreams. I don’t think any little girl predicts they will wear two different rings from two different men, or perhaps one and then never have the promise of “till death do us part”. I try to stick things out, and I am as faithful as I can try to be within this human condition. I will not want to give up, even on days that I feel are “off” or where we long to fall asleep not talking, but will eventually do our best to talk through the conflict laid before us that day.

To Perhaps Conclude:
I am thankful towards my past and first love, because he brought me to you, and that is wonderful. He changed my perspective enough for me to realize I deserved better, and that better was never going to be his future self, as I had hoped it would be for more than a year after our relationship had ended. I am so happy and grateful that I had sinned so much to the point where Jesus allowed me so many more chances, and then placed you into the mix (as twisted as that sounds).
I have not felt guilty for our relationship. I don’t believe I ever will need to either. I am lucky to have loved and lost, and to have been brought a new love out of my sin, lust, and wrongful decisions.

Introducing Ye Dorks of KC:

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Slow Motion

I’ve been told I move too fast. I mean, how could I not be told such a line when I was engaged at 19, after only knowing the boy for 10 months.
I move too fast.
My friends do too.
My parents did also.
I’m sure most of your parents, together or not… Did too.
I may move too fast, but I praise God I don’t move slowly, with concentration, too much thought regarding love and emotion, or while being sensible.
I personally believe that emotions should not be dwelled upon.
They should be felt and then jumped on.
Love is not a verb, noun or adjective that should be well thought or felt out. It should be spontaneous, because it is.
Who do you know that fell in love and actually thought about it and told themselves they could?
I think they may have told you they did, and that their decision to love and be loved was a mature and precise decision made for their own benefit, as much as their partners, but I’ll be the first to call bullshit, because they are more than likely bluffing.
I don’t care if you’ve known your significant other for a matter of minutes and you know you want to pursue something long term with them; do it, and do it well. Don’t give up on something you feel so intensely, even if it may be fleeting in the long run. One of my biggest pet peeves is when my girlfriends or family members tell me I’m moving too fast, or that I should really think about it. Don’t you know I never stop thinking? So why can’t I be allowed the simple pleasure, yet also the biggest pleasure of our time here on earth, to be that I don’t have to think for love. Why can’t I be granted this emotion, the verb that makes the literal world go round (yes, I know it doesn’t actually make the literal world go round, but … No, it actually does if you believe in God) without a boundary as big as thinking. I don’t want to be sensible with love. I want to fall. I want to hurt. I want to be vulnerable and, not in the slightest, sensible. I’ve realized that when I’m not in love, I cry a lot less, I feel a lot less, and I can become pretty insensitive to others emotions (crying, for the most part, is healthy for me). I enjoy the role that I play when I’m apart of a romantic relationship.
Yes, it sucks to be broken up with.
Yes, it sucks to have to try and permanently erase a year and 4 months from one’s memory, but my dear, sweet, sometimes judgmental souls, (just like everyone in this world is at times) falling in love is beautiful, adventurous, and a vulnerable, soul/eye opening experience that has forever changed my life, and is something that I will always be proud of committing to doing.
I love love; I always have, and I always will.
Another point I would like to make is that of the honeymoon stage. Some have mentioned that friends of mine should not have made what they believe to be a rash decision about moving in together due to them still being in the so called “honeymoon stage”.
Here is what I think about that: the honeymoon phase does not last for a determined length of time for everyone. For my ex and I, it lasted for about 10 months. We fought, but it was not anything relatively serious, until after he popped the question and life started to get rough and serious for the both of us. With my current man, we have already laid out our expectations, goals, and plans for the future (with or without the other, because we like to dream of it together, but remain realistic in a sense), and so ours lasted about a week and a half. So, what I want anyone to take away from this whole spiel is that every couple’s honeymoon stage duration differs from the next. I do not think it fair to judge another for moving too fast, while using the excuse of a honeymoon stage still in the process, if we can never be sure of that couple’s journey through life together. We do not have a say in if they are ready or not, or if they have gone through enough life experience together to know if they are a good match or not. Who cares if someone gets engaged “too soon” for their own personal liking? It is not your life. That is not your decision to make. It shouldn’t be what you talk about, unless it’s your own daughter, son or absolute, die hard best friend and you know them well enough to have a say. It should not be your opinion that stirs up rumors or a conversation for many to talk to others about. It should not be anyone but the members of that relationship to bring up opinions and ideas about their personal life together.
So, in my own opinion, whether you agree with it or not, I do not appreciate when others speak and judge of another’s relationship and it’s growth or speed. And while some are off being sensible, or just talking about it like they assume they will be when it’s their turn, I’d rather have my heart broken, and then filled up again with immeasurable amounts of love.
(Here are all the quotes that I liked, but could not choose, because they are all too relevant for this blog post.)

For Nate,

It happened tonight: the elbow touching moment.

I never imagined it would be so effortless and fulfilling, you next to me, talking about whatever it was you were talking about… I’m not sure because all I could think about was your arm (not even skin, but your shirt, against mine) in contact with my own. Sure, we held hands before (three times), but this was something new. Something I hope continues to happen. I would love for us to sit next to each other countless times after tonight. I may miss your elbow if we never sit next to each other again.

Remember when I told you that I was trying not to fall in love with you? I don’t think you could forget, I typed it out to you, and I know that you’ve read it more since I gave you that sheet of paper that I stuttered out to you the first time you heard it. I told you that I was beginning to fall, but that I wanted to guard my heart first and foremost. I haven’t told you how I’ve felt since that day over spring break.

Would you like to know?

I have slipped up. Gracefully this time. Oh, so gracefully. I haven’t stumbled, because God has been on my side from the start this time. I was resentful towards men, and mankind and many thousands of aspects of life when I met whom I later on thought to be “the one”. However, now I know: there is no “one”. We meet someone, and we make it work. (Yet, that’s not relatively close to how it works, because it involves many more words and phrases such as, “fight”, “commit to”, “trust”, “lean on”, and “grow together”.) But this time is different. Just as any other “first time”, it will be different, but this is a good different, that I am so satisfied with. I am so grateful, and must place the word “so” as a means to try and explain just how much I feel this way.

It would take me a long time (book-writing-time worthy) to put into words how all of this has curated in my mind to be exactly as it is now.

But I will try to put it into words what I feel now, in this moment, after our 8th date, this time a double date, with the best duo sitting before us.

Here is what I want you to know:

I am lucky. I have not felt the pang of missing you yet, and that is a blessing in and of itself. I do not like missing people, and it is a rarity for me. I like that I have not missed you yet, and I actually hope that I do not begin to, or that it is a much delayed response. I like the lack of the feeling because it means that I do not rely on you for any part of my happiness. It means that I have started a life for myself, and that I can be completely okay on my own, with God as my steady provider. I am so filled with love for myself now, and it is a love that was absent before. I am free from so many things, and I now know that I do not need another being in my life to have a lasting happiness, or smile on my face during the inexhaustible trials in life.

If I don’t miss you in the future, I may long for you to be by my side. This I am okay with. I think it is different  than missing someone. I think you can want someone and not need them. I know that if you were to leave, I will be okay, and I will grow from the experience. I have gone through the storm and came out on the other end. I developed and grew stronger in my faith. I may have been single as a result of my challenge, but discovered a deeper relationship with Christ instead, and that is partially why I will never regret what I had and then did not have with Curtis. I cannot regret, or even be ashamed of what was during that time of my life, because it brought me here, and now I have a story to tell that I did not before. That story brought me closer to you, Nate.

Perhaps we have been very direct through indirect communication, but we are writers. We are artists, and we must say what we feel when we feel it, because if we didn’t, a part of us would die in some way.

(I honestly feel like I haven’t even told you what it is that I have wanted to tell you.)

The night you told me about your demons, and I told you about mine, was the night that I felt closest to you. That night, we held hands for the first time. On our fifth date. You brave soul. You told me, you confessed to me rather, all the things that you feared I would judge you for, when in fact, it diminished a barrier that was present. As you told me your past sins, and the dark clouds that you continue to work on, I felt a shift, and felt more comfortable than I already had been around you. I want to thank you for opening up to me, and bearing the anxiety that went along with that.

I also want to thank you for being honest, for feeding me, for sharing stories, answering questions, taking multiple walks with me, driving around with me, asking me and telling me before holding my hand, for holding my hand again, for showing me Christ’s love, inviting me to hang out with your friends, visiting me at work, making me coffee, going to an oil change for our first date, waiting on “the edge of your seat” for any story that is taking me  a little longer to tell than usual (which is long), for inspiring and motivating me, for the way I know you will challenge me in the future, for dealing with my endless array of run-on sentences, for praying for me and with me (*), for making me feel safe, and cared for, and anxious free for at least a little while, and

 

for giving me the elbow moment.

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♡ The Mackenzie Diaries