It is absolutely upsetting when you realize that the boy you wanted to date stops talking to you. When he seemingly runs back to his ex-girlfriend, whom he called to be “crazy”, “manipulative”, and “controlling” when he was with me, which I had always maintained a positive image of her despite his description and one sided stories. It is upsetting to receive a phone call from said ex girlfriend, and end up apologizing to her for your innocent actions… Looking back on it… there was nothing to apologize for. We did not cheat. Yes, it was a bit soon, and yes I had liked him throughout their relationship and we had a tendency of hanging out when they would break up, but never had I ever cheated, or tried to communicate with him on any other level than a friendship while they were dating.

When she had called me weeks ago, I stayed mutal. I did my best at least. I would like to think that everything had ended well. We agreed to be friends, or at least for our relationship to stay as it was, with no hate or despising feeling towards each other. I figured that everything had gone well and that we had a good conversation. She said praises to me and told me that I deserved to be with him more than she did. However, now I’m wondering if that was a diss. Is he truly that bad? This is what happens when you start to listen to others negative outlooks. You begin to try and see others in that same negative light. It becomes infectious. This is sad. I had always seen them in such a positive light, regardless of what others had to say. Now I assume that these two are perfect for eachother, which saddens me.

It’s upsetting to find the ex girlfriend commenting on her best friend’s post about girl’s names that have a tendency to be “crazy”, which my name at the top, and she decided to comment “the first name. yaassss”. I am not completely sure that it is about me from her comment, but I could see that being true. The fact that I even have to question it is appalling and so sad. I have remained free of this drama for so long. If I had only stayed away from social media a bit longer, or had never hung out with him over the summer. Had I never became so engaged and dedicated. I would not have been so depressed in the beginning of the school year. I would not have been so willing to drop out and flee the country with no intention of going back for my bachelor’s degree. I am so sad that I let my emotions wander as far off as they did. I give people so many trials, so many second chances to win me back and to right their wrongs, but sometimes you have to take a step back and remind yourself that it is not healthy to have the most positive outlook in all situations. You must see and do what is best for you.

I must remove myself from that hope of him coming around, of becoming close friends with her. They are too toxic for my life. That chapter is done. He is not right for me now or ever. She is not a good friend for me to be around right now. I will not be able to remain in contact because their situation is one that I cannot place myself in the middle of again. I never want to experience that hopelessness again from a boy. Lose me once, never lose me again. I will find the one my soul longs for in good time. He will fight the good fight with me, and I will not be left alone, struggling to keep our marriage alive alone. He will fight with me and for me. He will long to be with me as much as I long to be with him. I miss him everyday now, and I have not even met him. This may sound stupid, but I just feel that maybe he is near in this small time frame that we have, and some days I just want him to be here already so that I can have someone to talk to. To have someone to love me as I love myself. To have someone to understand and to laugh with. I want to learn him already. I feel as though I am running out of time some days. I want these next few years to be single, but I also feel like maybe he is near, and that’s okay too. I am just so excited to feel what it is like to be in a relationship that is more secure than the ones that I have been in. I want to know what it is like to be sure that they will not leave you. Maybe that is not possible, but I hope that I can have my faith in relationships restored. I want to work on myself and prepare myself for him before he gets here. I want to move forward. I want to… so badly do I want to forget the names: Curtis, Dell, Nick and any other that may hold some part of me that I do not want them to hold anymore. I want to take everything that I ever gave to Curtis and give it to my real love. The one that will love me back. The one that will fight for me and with me. I don’t think I can take another broken, unreliable relationship like that. If I have to be engaged one more time and be left alone to cry and start a new life over again… I’m not sure I’ll have it in me to want to be married. Although, maybe the first time is the hardest and the rest is a breeze. Maybe I’ll be like Ross on Friends and have my Rachel…. That sounds gross and weird…haha but anyway….

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2 thoughts on “Untitled October 9th 2015

  1. Firstly I’m so glad that you love yoursekf and know what you deserve. It took me years to learn self love and not to stay with toxic people.

    Like you I missed my man before I ever met him. I wohld pray to god (oor whoever may be listening as I’m not really religious) to keep my future husband safe and to bring us together as soon as we were ready.

    I also figured I should be proactive afterall we dont sit adound waiting for the perfect job to fall into our laps. So I joined a dating site yet again and instead of waiting for messages to come in I messaged guys that I thought looked really promising… from parts of the world I thought were interesting. I never thought any guy would be crazy enough to bother with some stranger in another country… but I met my soulmate in josh.

    You said you’re not sure whether there’s such a relationship where you arentt afraid of your loved one leaving you. I promise you there is! I had never felt secure in a relationship before this one. it doesn’t even cross my mind with josh I know we would do absolutely anything for one another.

    You will find it too. People used to tell me that and I’d roll my eyes :p

    I know people say it’ll happen when you least expect it and sometimes it does, don’t be afraid to go out and get it. If I hadn’t reached out there’s no possible way I would have ever met the most wonderful man I could have ever wished for. If I didn’t send out close to 100 resumes I wouldn’t have just got a job that is perfect for me. We can achieve just about anything if we want it bad enough and work towards it 🙂

    Just my two cents. Best wishes to you! It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and that is most important! That guy will only waste your time… please don’t give him any more of yours 🙂

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