Action for E.D.s

Some of my many passions are eating  disorders, fitness, and eating. These are separate passions for many, but for some, actually a lot, these passions share the same umbrella. And I don’t know if so many of my friends and family know about this issue that has consumed much of my thoughts since I was about 10.

I don’t think that many understand the impact of their words and actions towards others.

I’m not sure if enough individuals and groups understand or have knowledge on the fact that just because someone seems happy and content with their weight it could actually be a facade that has been mastered over years of being put into practice.

I’m not sure if they know that according to the statistics one, two, or even a handful of their friends/family could be battling with an eating disorder right now.

I don’t believe that we take into account and actually dissect our words enough to understand how it could hurt someone and their mental growth.

I also don’t think a lot of my acquaintances/friends realize that just because I am or many others may be thinner than others that we don’t feel that way all the time, or for some any of the time lived in their frail bodies.

It baffles me when some say that thinner women should not feel bad about themselves because they are lucky to be so thin.

That is harming someone’s mental health.

It hurts me to know that there are examples like this that I came across today:



And I know that most of those who said the comments do not remember ever having said them.

Parents have one of the strongest impacts on a child’s mental health;  their self-image, self-worth, & self-esteem. 

From my own experience, I have been blessed with those around me, with their filtered conversation and actions. I have been blessed with my body that is mobile and able to react to the workouts that I commit to for it. I am so blessed.

That doesn’t mean that I am mentally stable/ maintain a healthy body image.

You cannot take what you see on the outside and make assumptions of a person’s health.

Having a higher BMI does not indicate that the person is unhealthy, and that they need your words of advice to help them.

Having a lower or normal BMI does not indicate that they are aware of their actual body size or that their overall health is intact.

Please, realize that your words, quick assumptions, and actions towards other could be harmful. What you say now could be what stays by their side throughout their life and could be the cause of their mental illness.

I vow to remember this, work on it, and prepare myself for future encounters, and for the impact I will have on my own being and the babies I may someday have.
Thanks for listening.

October 21st 2015 later night thoughts of thankfulness:

  
Tonight, and most of today I’ve been feeling very thankful for so many things, & I’d like to utilize my resources to share some of that with you all…So, I’ve never had a dream job. I’ve never been able to tell someone that I want a constant career in a specific field, or anything like that; at least in the way others have described it to me. 

Well over the past couple of months I’ve realized that I have so many gifts from God that I am capable of expressing in a variety of ways and so many gifts that He has given me through opportunities and through a truly blessed and extremely fortunate life. And yet, it was absurd to me that I could never think of a way to utilize those gifts to glorify Him in a convenient way. 

Yet, I just realized that there is no convenient way, or perhaps there is for some, but for many, those gifts are spread out into different settings. 

My career may use up one of my gifts, but I can use all of the others through the different areas of my life. I do not need to find a job that will use all of my gifts.

I am thankful for that knowledge.

I am thankful that God has given me so many gifts and talents and such a wild personality at times.

I am so thankful that through such an ugly time in my personal life and growth, God decided to give me a multitude of blessings.

He gave me that place where I feel most content and where I feel I belong to in this moment of my life.

Although I am always searching for the next chapter, I know that this is the city that I needed to experience first. 

I am thankful for my dorm; for the community lifestyle that I have discovered I do not want to live without…ever. 

I am thankful for my privacy in some instances, where I can be myself to that full extent and just breathe.

I am thankful for a box set of the show Friends, which I finally began to use this year, and to use it in a dorm, away from home has always been on my bucket list. I am happy to be able to watch it. Especially in fall.

I am thankful for my actual friends. For sending me other blog posts and other people’s opinions and thoughts.

I am thankful to the friends that accept my quirkiness and my ability to challenge some norms. 

I am thankful to my face mask (that is pictured); for its healing abilities and the texture it quickly forms on my skin. I am also thankful that I am brave enough to bare it every night. Although that sounds strange to be thankful for, many find my clay to be weird and disgusting…so… That’s college girls for ya. 😉

I am thankful to the farms. Forever thankful. 

I am thankful, always thankful, yet I should always show it more often, to my God. My firm foundation. My everlasting love. My creator and father. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you. Thank you. 
Where have you seen God today?

His Escape of Oblivion

I gave him the power of breaking me

You’d think it’d only last so long – the breaking of my being

but that’s where you’re wrong; where I was wrong too.

You see, I was so wrong to think he wasn’t capable of loving me + then leaving me more in love with him.

I figured I would leave him

right before he was able to conjure up the smallest idea of it.

Yet he did it

He accepted the challenge and won.

He has won for a year now

(scribbles from my draft written in class were entered here)

Maybe I didn’t give him the power.

He must have known he was willing and was waiting to use this power for years.

He thought, he said, and he believed I would hurt him,

leave him even.

I believed it too.

I fell under his power, that we both were blindsided by

He was a fantastic, magical force

I continue to write about him, and he hasn’t read a single word of it all

My stories of loss over him, over our love,

are all shots in the dark

Fired with no hope of being discovered

They are for him, or about him; of him

They are for me, for healing

He will never know his power to the extent that I do.

I know something that she doesn’t.

I know a piece of him that I hope she never oncovers

She may never know him like I do, and for that, I am thankful.

He wanted to escape oblivion, and he won it, he achieved it,

in my heart.

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IMG_2055 IMG_2056

(Figured I’d show to original work before I crumpled it up.)

Fall into it

One of the sweetest things a friend told me was that they wished it was fall all year round for me. They explained to me that I am so much happier in the colder months. The fact that they would wish my favorite month, perhaps not their own favorite, to occur all the time, was just the sweetest thing for me to hear. Although they sadly cannot make that wish come true, I think it is a nice thought and imaginative favor.

Then it got me thinking… Would I be as happy if I lived in a world where it was fall every day? Would I get used to it and become sad after awhile? Perhaps I am happier when it is fall because I have something to compare it to. Is that how we fall in love as well? We contrast and compare souls to other souls and discover the one we want and choose them over and over again?

I started to realize that I loved fall when I noticed how my skin reacted to the chilly air in comparison to the humid atmosphere that comes with August. I began to dread the summer months because I knew that with it I would have to shed some clothes and bare the part of myself that I was most self-conscious about. I started to wear jeans in the summertime, regardless of the heat and uncomfortableness of it all.  I just wanted fall.

Fall could make me sad too though. With no boyfriend to hold or share laughs with and pick pumpkins with, I began to feel lonely. I had my family and often times my friends, but the fall and winter months had always made me feel increasingly lonely. Fortunately, I grew to love myself more through this. In high school and the earlier years of college I figured it would be better to date myself than to date no one. I had plenty of time to lay on the couch upstairs and snuggle into myself and watch movies, with glasses of sparkling cider. It was still my favorite time of year. I constantly imagined what my life would be like in the years to come, in the wintertime with my man. I’m convinced I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting him, and that’s a nice thought as well. As nice as the compliment of my friend noticing I am happier in the fall and winter.

I love fall because it interacts well with my skin for the most part, makes me feel more comfortable, cozy, and reminds me of falling in love.

Falling in love is similar to the changes of colors, realizing that you may blend well with another soul. You transform into a more caring, loving, happy individual, with much more to look forward to in each day. Fall is where people truly fall in love and begin to come together. Winter is where the bond becomes stronger and is closely knit together through the days leading up to the holidays. The lights, the snow, the warm cups of drinks, everything pours into the loving atmosphere.

Today I am thankful for:

  • Holidays
  • Remembering that this time last year I was crying into the arms of a man that I still loved more than my words could ever express, but at this point it was more than certain to be an unrequited type of love.
  • Realizing that I have been slowly recovering from that experience, thanks to the grace of God.
  • The Prince of Peace
  • Unrequited love – to contrast great love with
  • The fall
  • Winter
  • Hot coffee
  • Legs with the ability to run and wrap around, and stretch far and up
  • Lungs with the ability to breathe in at least a little bit
  • Kind doctors
  • The farms
  • God’s presence
  • My bible, my small group
  • Those who understand my instagram, and I know that they are liking the posts because they relate on some level to my intention of posting.
  • My kind and sweet and giving parents, for without them I would not be as free as I am and willing to love others as I am
  • The transformations of a new day
  • The lovely world of tumblr
  • quotes and books
  • Jesus
  • Unfailing love that is out there and that holds me every day

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(Nice picture I stumbled upon on tumblr, and I thought it would fit nicely with this post.)

-AHM

From Eden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMx-Pua_HPc

This one is for that summer boy.

Hozier is a gift that I shared with you. Came back to bite me. Never would I have thought this song would apply to you.

“Babe, there’s something tragic about you
Something so magic about you
Don’t you agree?

Babe, there’s something lonesome about you
Something so wholesome about you
Get closer to me

No tired sighs, no rolling eyes, no irony
No ‘who cares’, no vacant stares, no time for me

Honey, you’re familiar like my mirror years ago
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword
Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know
I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

Babe, there’s something wretched about this
Something so precious about this

[Live version inclusion:
Where to begin

Babe, there’s something broken about this
But I might be hoping about this.]

Oh, what a sin

To the strand a picnic plan for you and me
A rope in hand for your other man to hang from a tree

Honey, you’re familiar like my mirror years ago
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword
Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know
I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

Honey, you’re familiar like my mirror years ago
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword
Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know
I slithered here from Eden just to hide outside your door.”

The line, “a rope in hand for your other man to hang from a tree”…. You had a rope in hand for your ex girlfriend, but you ran back to her. Thank you for that. Showing me the ways of your heart, a place where I do not, and will not ever belong.

If you flee the country and so do I, my hope is that you leave her behind. But that you nevercome back to me again. And that I never come back to you. Sometimes your 15 year old desires should remain just as that… 15 year old desires are not 21 year old desires and plans. At least for me they should not be.

Untitled October 9th 2015

It is absolutely upsetting when you realize that the boy you wanted to date stops talking to you. When he seemingly runs back to his ex-girlfriend, whom he called to be “crazy”, “manipulative”, and “controlling” when he was with me, which I had always maintained a positive image of her despite his description and one sided stories. It is upsetting to receive a phone call from said ex girlfriend, and end up apologizing to her for your innocent actions… Looking back on it… there was nothing to apologize for. We did not cheat. Yes, it was a bit soon, and yes I had liked him throughout their relationship and we had a tendency of hanging out when they would break up, but never had I ever cheated, or tried to communicate with him on any other level than a friendship while they were dating.

When she had called me weeks ago, I stayed mutal. I did my best at least. I would like to think that everything had ended well. We agreed to be friends, or at least for our relationship to stay as it was, with no hate or despising feeling towards each other. I figured that everything had gone well and that we had a good conversation. She said praises to me and told me that I deserved to be with him more than she did. However, now I’m wondering if that was a diss. Is he truly that bad? This is what happens when you start to listen to others negative outlooks. You begin to try and see others in that same negative light. It becomes infectious. This is sad. I had always seen them in such a positive light, regardless of what others had to say. Now I assume that these two are perfect for eachother, which saddens me.

It’s upsetting to find the ex girlfriend commenting on her best friend’s post about girl’s names that have a tendency to be “crazy”, which my name at the top, and she decided to comment “the first name. yaassss”. I am not completely sure that it is about me from her comment, but I could see that being true. The fact that I even have to question it is appalling and so sad. I have remained free of this drama for so long. If I had only stayed away from social media a bit longer, or had never hung out with him over the summer. Had I never became so engaged and dedicated. I would not have been so depressed in the beginning of the school year. I would not have been so willing to drop out and flee the country with no intention of going back for my bachelor’s degree. I am so sad that I let my emotions wander as far off as they did. I give people so many trials, so many second chances to win me back and to right their wrongs, but sometimes you have to take a step back and remind yourself that it is not healthy to have the most positive outlook in all situations. You must see and do what is best for you.

I must remove myself from that hope of him coming around, of becoming close friends with her. They are too toxic for my life. That chapter is done. He is not right for me now or ever. She is not a good friend for me to be around right now. I will not be able to remain in contact because their situation is one that I cannot place myself in the middle of again. I never want to experience that hopelessness again from a boy. Lose me once, never lose me again. I will find the one my soul longs for in good time. He will fight the good fight with me, and I will not be left alone, struggling to keep our marriage alive alone. He will fight with me and for me. He will long to be with me as much as I long to be with him. I miss him everyday now, and I have not even met him. This may sound stupid, but I just feel that maybe he is near in this small time frame that we have, and some days I just want him to be here already so that I can have someone to talk to. To have someone to love me as I love myself. To have someone to understand and to laugh with. I want to learn him already. I feel as though I am running out of time some days. I want these next few years to be single, but I also feel like maybe he is near, and that’s okay too. I am just so excited to feel what it is like to be in a relationship that is more secure than the ones that I have been in. I want to know what it is like to be sure that they will not leave you. Maybe that is not possible, but I hope that I can have my faith in relationships restored. I want to work on myself and prepare myself for him before he gets here. I want to move forward. I want to… so badly do I want to forget the names: Curtis, Dell, Nick and any other that may hold some part of me that I do not want them to hold anymore. I want to take everything that I ever gave to Curtis and give it to my real love. The one that will love me back. The one that will fight for me and with me. I don’t think I can take another broken, unreliable relationship like that. If I have to be engaged one more time and be left alone to cry and start a new life over again… I’m not sure I’ll have it in me to want to be married. Although, maybe the first time is the hardest and the rest is a breeze. Maybe I’ll be like Ross on Friends and have my Rachel…. That sounds gross and weird…haha but anyway….

Love is to blame…

  
I came across this really good quote the other day that I thought of while reading this devotional from the band For King And Country (pictured)

: “If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.” 
After reading this quote a few days ago, it reminded me of a retreat I had gone on several years ago, where I had asked God to break my heart for what breaks His. I never realized that this could be why I feel so much towards so many pressing issues in today’s world, and perhaps why when my first real heartache came, it seemed to last longer than it ever should have. I’m not sure if this is why, nor will I ever know for sure on this earth, but it did get me thinking about how I should have been thanking Him from the start. 

It was through my  first real heartache that I had discovered my current city, university, some of my best friends, the ability to symphasize with more men and women, and so many other great things, but most importantly: Jesus’s undenying love for me.

In reviewing all of this: It’s hard to be grateful for a broken heart at times, when all you want to do is sit in your misery and cry your eyes out (or if you’re like me, you constantly desire to reinact the movie scene in The Other Woman, where Leslie Mann’s character is sitting in front of her TV, watching her wedding tape in her wedding dress, while spraying whip cream into her mouth… All while sobbing… The beautiful talent. OR however other people cope…). 

Anyway, when I first heard FKAC’s song Love’s To Blame, I fell in love because I can relate to its lyrics in certain ways. God always finds a way to turn our sadness, mistakes, and faulty decisions into a beautiful lesson for ourselves and others. I’d also like to add this great story about Job from the bible:

“While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, “Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!” At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.”

‭‭Job‬ ‭1:18-22‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Job was tested, and he acted out in a way that most of us would be taken aback by, but it is exactly how God expects and deserves to be responded to. 

Job had just lost everything God had once blessed him with…one thing after the other. Yet, when the final messenger confronts him about his deceased family members, he falls to the ground and worships The Lord.

This is the most genuine way I have heard of praising The Lord for your sorrows. This is a story about knowing that God has a plan for you and the depths of your heart. He will use your brokenness to heal others and to show you His great love for you. Praise The Lord for your brokenness, for it is not fully broken in Him.

A Loyal Love

I love you with a loyal love.

I have thought about what it would be like after we broke up… if I would move on soon after, or if it would take forever…

It never crossed my mind that I would keep loving you.

The love I am certain I have for you, or towards you, is different

and it may not be as strong as the love I once had. But it’s there.

Oh, it is real and there and true.

It’s as true as I once loved you.

It may not seem that way to you…

I wonder if you ever think of me, the way I think of you.

I shouldn’t say that I think of you, as much as it is just dreaming of you…

I don’t know if I’ll ever stop dreaming of you, wondering how you are in so many moments, tracing along the streams of memories in my mind to go back to the ones I had with you.

I wonder when it will all stop

I wonder if one day I will wake up, just as you did, and realize that I have better things to do than to think of you

To wonder every day about you… it takes up so much of my time

although I don’t seem to mind it so much

I haven’t minded it for awhile now,

but it does get sad

When I start to think about what you did to me

the changes that came soon after

the impact it made on my future, the one that has yet to occur, because I am still stuck, and I haven’t been given a second chance at love

it hurts me

it pains me to see the impact

it seems all negative at times

it seems to be all that I can think about

But Why?

Why can I not stop going back to that moment in my life?

I have lived 21 years, 3 months and 16 days, and yet I still think of how that phase, that year and a half of my life was the biggest part thus far.

How could one man change my heart so much?

How do you let one person in, let them love you in the way you always longed to be loved, and watch them disappear without you

How do you let go of that and know that you will find better love, when you once thought that you had the best of it

you had thought it was good, but you knew you were settling

somehow you knew that it was not right

it wasn’t just one person that instilled the thought, there was an outcry from your heart, from your real dream, the one that has always been with you

Your real, ultimate goal is to be loved and to love, and you will always have that

with or without a physical man

you do not need a child, a husband, or a best friend

you need only Christ, whom loves you, cares for you, and changes your heart daily

He revives you, cherishes you, and delights in you

He is all powerful, all consuming and oh so righteous.

He is the ultimate story teller, lover, friend, and He knows you more than you know your own desires, your heart and your thoughts

Your love may be loyal, and you may love those who loved you for as long as you live, but He will love you deeper, more passionately, and thoroughly than you could ever imagine.

His love surpasses all that you will encounter on this mere earth

You will find what you have always been looking for

Your heart’s desires will be fulfilled through the Lord, and you will find comfort there

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