The Worst Part of a Break Up

Telling people

Especially if you have to do all that dirty work. My ex is not on the best of terms with his father right now and the day after he broke up with me his father called him to talk about school, which I mean, perfect timing to break the big news right? Wrong. He waited… and waited… and never told him. A week after he broke up with me I had to tell his dad at my place of work… I kept my cool and didn’t cry or anything, but I was shaking like a leaf! I was so nervous! And he’s not even my dad! That was upsetting. You eventually find the courage to break up with me, but you can’t find the decency to break the news to your own father? Word of advice to those of you planning on breaking up with someone: tell your own family and friends so that the more broken one (if I can say the other would be more broken?) doesn’t have to deal with more of your shit.

Scents

Whether it’s laundry detergent, an air freshener or a deodorant, when you smell it, your mind wanders off to that sad memory lane. It could happen when you’re standing in line to grab your daily coffee order and your eyes widen ever so slightly or you feel a jolt in your heart as you peer over your shoulder only to find it’s an older woman rather than your ex, who happens to use the same detergent as him. It’s those small reminders that tug at your heart and there’s nothing you can do to prevent it. Unless of course you’re rich, I suppose you could buy out the company who makes the product you may now hate and then you slowly watch as the product dwindles out…An evil plan I’m sure no one would see through just to never smell a certain scent again, but I do think I was on to something clever there.

Watching Them Move On

Maybe it’s been 6 months or 2 days, it’s not as fun to watch them move on than it is to move on yourself.

Moving On

Sucks. I mean it’s great when you’re being flattered by someone else and dating is new and exciting again, but just the idea of moving on is scary. You can never know for sure if your ex will want to get back together with you and for some that’s a good thing, but for the one that was dumped it’s most likely very annoying and it’s a tiring possibility.

Life is but a mystery

No one has the same story, and for some reason that tends to be an unsettling idea for me. I am the type of person to organize every thing in life. And I mean every thing. If I had the time, I would schedule my time… like every minute of it. Some may say that’s an anxiety thing, but I think of it as simply being organized… and a tad bit crazy. So, I am sitting here, recently dumped by my now former fiance, fighting the urge to just fall asleep, because I would like to tell a story. Once upon a time, there was this girl (and you can just assume that this girl I’m talking about is me, and I’ll give you a picture), and she looks like this:

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This was actually how she looked just hours before this particular story began. She looks happy, right? This was actually the day she began to try taking anti-depressants. It’s very funny, really. (She’s not taking them anymore). Okay, so this whole third person perspective of myself is getting a little weird, but I’m going to keep at it just for the sake of telling a good story. So this girl decided she would wear this amazing, sparkly, TopShop dress to this wedding that happened to be for a Jehovah’s Witness. She knew the groom from her childhood, and she would soon become friends with the bride through the story I’m slowly unfolding. Sorry for the delay. Okay, cutting to the chase… She goes to this wedding, after praying to God that she wouldn’t have any more men coming into her life, because she truly wanted to focus on herself. Within the semester that had just begun (btw, the setting is February 2013), she had already stumbled into a messy “relationship” if you could call it that, with some dumb boy named… Lulu Poo. (I hope you’ve already caught on to the fact that that is not his real name. I just decided I wanted to give him a code name. I don’t think I’ll give anyone else a code name, I’ll let you know though.) This Lulu Poo character was not really a dumb boy, but he wasn’t the nicest to me, and I don’t mean that he was abusive or not a fun person to be around, but he was just a “typical boy” that wanted “one thing and one thing only”. Now, granted he did like me for other reasons, I don’t think for one second he would have spent nearly 6 months talking to me endlessly just because he wanted sex from me. He could have found that elsewhere (and let the record be shown that he has), but he could never tell me what “we” were and if he wanted a relationship, because he knew that I was abstinent (still am, and proud of it), and he knew that he may not have been able to handle it.   So, this was happening while I was about to attend this wedding. However, I was also talking to another boy named Max. Let the record show that I found it amazing that a cute boy named Max ended up being in my ceramics class and having an interest in me because I used to write stories of a boy named Max and I believed that I would name my child Max, so long sentence short: I was hoping God sent me a Max to marry. (He didn’t. I ended up being the one to tell Max I wasn’t interested and I had actually just found a nice boy at a wedding. Good timing God.)   Alright, so, the wedding. “Dear God, I pray that I can just focus on myself and be left alone from all men that intend to have a relationship with me of any kind. I also pray that I can keep going down a path that you are guiding me down.” < sort of like the prayer I was praying before the wedding.   ALSO: let the record show that my parents met at a wedding in Scotland and I went to Scotland for a wedding in 2012 hoping I’d find a man (no luck). But my mom told me the night before this Jehovah wedding (that’s what we will call it so as not to get confused by any other wedding) that it was said that boys were asking for “the girl in the sparkly dress” aka me in my disco ball dress, from that night at the wedding (I wore the same dress that night that I did to the Jehovah witness wedding #outfitrepeater). Moral of this short paragraph: I didn’t attend this Jehovah witness wedding with no intentions of finding a man. I mean, I still had ovaries after my prayer.   Well, I ended up falling in love. Not that night. Certainly not, but over time I did. Now, I think it’s time for me to fall out of love, if there is such a thing. I don’t think that people fall in love because they want to. I honestly thought that this man, Curtis Allen Dunlap would be my forever. My old love. My husband and my best friend until the day we were separated by our deaths. I still do have a hope in me that we will come back together and work it out. I’m wondering if maybe the distance was just too hard for us. I’ve never had a relationship like this, and I know that I never will again, at least not similar to this love. I don’t know whether or not we will be together. I just know that the last four months of our relationship I felt something shift. Looking back now, I can see that I ignored a lot of signs. This was my first serious relationship, which I mean, kudos to me, being engaged for a first real break-up? Settle down Ashley, you are getting ahead of yourself girl. 😉 Honestly, our relationship was perfect. Right up until we hit our year mark. It was about this time where we started to really feel the pressures of independence from our parents (mostly for him) and the distance was not helping. We started fighting and arguing more, and we never really did in the first place either, so it was kind of disheartening. I wish I could say that I knew he was falling out of love with me months ago, but I was too determined and in love to see the signs. I definitely feel at a loss because I can tell I’m still more in love with him or at least the old idea of him, than he is with me. I can feel him slipping away from me. I wrote him a letter to apologize for not being as supportive as I should have been with decisions like taking out loans instead of asking his father to support him and his schooling like he had promised him, and with his new job that he loves. I do hope that if he falls in love again that he would spend more time with his family than with his work. I hope that he can learns to appreciate the small amount of time that God gives us on earth and that he uses it to create something bigger than his career. I hope that he can have fun and leave the legacy he wants to leave. I hope that he doesn’t turn into the asshole he was proving he could be in our last few days together. Once upon a time I went to a wedding, a boy fell in love with me sooner than I could think to say okay to, and then I fell in love too. My story has only just begun, and I’m about to finish a chapter and start a whole big, new one at my new school, where Curtis will be too. I hope we can both find our way, separately or together. Whichever way is up. And that’s my story for tonight. Oh, also, my papa from Scotland is here and I just found out from him (over a nice little date we had at t.g.i friday’s, just the two of us) that he and nana were engaged before they met each other! HOW UPLIFTING IS THAT! My papa was engaged for a year and a half before he broke off the engagment and then within TWO weeks he met my nana! ❤ How cute. Okay, goodnight lovers and fighters. -MackenzieDiaries

Confused

My Canadian best friend puts this into words perfectly.

ldr13

skypey4

I haven’t written on here in a while (there hasn’t been a whole lot to write about lately). Josh and I are back to Skype dates until August time. We’re finding it hard to get to know each-other long distance so that poses some serious challenges. He says it doesn’t feel like he has a real girlfriend and he can’t do distance for more than another year. Lately I feel like I’ve let him in more and fallen more in love with him. For the past few weeks I’ve felt closer to him than ever but he’s feeling more distant than ever. Figures. Isn’t that always how relationships work?

I’m not too worried as I know there have been many times when he’s felt close to me and I’ve felt distant. Relationships are scary and falling for someone half a world away even more so.  He says he doesn’t wanna…

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