I’ve known that I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression for close to two years now. The worst thing I did for myself was consult a counselor and later on, against my better judgement, a psychiatrist. I’m not going to sit here a tell you all that counselors and psychiatrists are wrong and that they will not leave a positive impact on your life, because that’s not true. I just don’t think that seeing a counselor or seeking any sort of professional help is suited for me. The reason I landed in a counselor’s office, complete with a cozy brown couch, dim lighting and a fully stocked bookshelf on self help books, was because after finishing high school my anxiety and depression seemed to almost sky rocket. Now having that sort of dilemma right out of high school along with not knowing what you plan on doing with your one precious life should seem absolutely normal, but my mom was deeply concerned that I wanted to end my life or wasn’t happy, which I wasn’t, but I didn’t see it as a big deal. I’m a lot better than I was in those years of my life, but the funny thing that’s not at all funny about anxiety and depression is that one: it’s kind of like a package deal, have one, get the other for the same price, and two: it never goes away. At least that’s what I’ve been told and what I have constantly had to remind myself of. Now, I said that I’ve known for over a year about having anxiety and depression, but that’s only because on that day that I went to see a counselor on a breezy day in October of 2012, 40 minutes away from my house in a little confined dimly lit room, sitting on top of a cozy brown sofa I was told “I think you have major anxiety and minor depression” which almost stunned me at first, until I went home and did my research. The thing about me is that I must know EVERYTHING. I encourage myself to look up everything I do not understand or know about that I genuinely care about knowing about. So when it is directly involving me, I have to find everything possible to understand it. Which is when I turn to Google, which sometimes leads me to some interesting Yahoo! answers with entrancing characters that seem to be only real in books, but in fact they are living and breathing and quite brainless. So I was even more stunned when I was recommended to see a psychiatrist by my counselor, even though I told her from the start that I was not interested in resorting to drugs. I was even more stunned at the fact that psychiatrists and counselors have one thing in common, which is perhaps the worst thing to have in common, they diagnose you without having known you for more than 3 minutes. I was told to go on Effexor, probably the most common antidepressant which does not lead to gaining weight (one of my requests). However, I was beyond stunned (you’re probably thinking SHUT UP with the stunned and get to the point already!) that my psychiatrist began to think I was crazy at the fact that I wanted to research the drugs I was being recommended. He told me that it reveals my anxiety and basically thought I was bizarre for even thinking to research such a thing. To this day I am offended by the assumption that I am crazy for researching a drug that I could potentially be relying on for the rest of my life. I am being completely honest when I tell you that for the month or so that I was on Effexor I did not feel at all different. I know that it could take a little longer than that to feel the effects, and I know that maybe I just had a bad experience with counseling, but I do not ever want to go back. I strongly believe that if something is wrong, it should not be fixed with drugs, or anything that has the potential to harm your body. This is my opinion, but I feel it is beneficial to every one to lead a healthy life, with a healthy diet that is not dependent on drugs. I have since been to two holistic doctors, one that taught me that I hold all of my anger and emotions inside and that causes a lot of trouble for my anxiety, health and body. The doctor that I am seeing now provides me with holistic remedies and has checked my hormones and found that I am a little higher in testosterone than I should be. I wish that living with anxiety and depression was easier and I don’t at the same time. I do wish that I didn’t blame my problems on it on nights like tonight. Not everyone is perfect, and life is hard for everyone. My thoughts are becoming jumbled, so I’m going to leave it at this. Going to go finish The Fault In Our Stars again and sob, because that’s what nights like this are for. Man, gotta love being a woman.