What I want

You know what, you know what I just realized? I don’t want fancy things (yes I do, I want to live in New York and live in Central Park and be a nanny and have fancy things) I want the world to love me. I want the world to think I’m funny and to want to see me do good and to think I’m good enough for it and everyone in it. I want the whole world to sit back and watch me shine. I know that you want it to. That’s why we do what we do. It isn’t life if we don’t think at least one person is watching. How do we even live for ourselves if there is so much more out there, so much more to it than just ourselves, one person? We can’t think for ourselves, because we don’t even know who we are yet. We may never know until the day we die. I want to know. I want to know who I am, who I want to become and who I have been all along.. Before it’s too late. I want the world to sit back and watch me shine. I want the world to be calm and to stay quiet as I figure out who I am and what I like to do. That way I’ll know that it’s coming from me and that I am in fact doing me. I want the world to know who I am and what I do. I want the world to see that I am apart of it and that I am living. I am living and I am leaving a legacy, whether I know what it is or not.
I want the world to sit back, stay quiet and calm and watch me shine.

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What’s healthy?

I hear that it’s healthy for anxiety-stressed personas to take down a list of all the stressors in their life. I’d like to try that. Since I feel none of my family nor friends are secretly reading this, I’ll try to feel secure in writing this list.

Christina: Of all the times I’ve had to drive you to class or the times I’ve felt used and I’ve driven you to Goodwill or to the hairdressers store, maybe more than half of them I’ve shut myself down in front of you, in hopes that I don’t hurt your feelings, but deep down I’m craving to scream in your face and rip out all of your dead hair follicles. I despise you most minutes of every hour, but some times.. In our happy hours.. We get along, slightly. We will never be the best of friends, we’ve even agreed upon that, which some might find ridiculous, but I can understand this from our relationship and one of my past relationships. (I realize this makes it sound like I’m the problem, which I might be… Or I may just be the person that attracts the pure evil opposites. Aren’t I lucky.)

School: I hate to love it.

Work: I love to hate it.
I had always wanted to work. It’s boring to not work, but if I’m being brutally honest, working at Dunkin makes you want to crawl in a hole and have animals eat your intestines rather than live if this is how all work will be for the rest of your life. Alright, it’s really not that bad, but the location that I work at puts all the stress that every poor aspect of your job probably puts on you.

Okay, I’ve just realized that writing I depth about what stresses me out does not help because it continues to stress me out when I think about everything that’s stressing me out.
So I’m just going to go with straightforward for the rest…

The stress of not knowing what I’m going to do with my life.

(…. You know what? I just remembered that the healthy thing was to list what you could do to make the situation better after you list what stresses you out.)

(Let’s try this again)

The stress of not knowing what I’m going to do with my life.
-I actually do have time. Life is about finding yourself and figuring things out along the way. It’s probably more fun to live without a positive answer, I jus have to find a way to look at this whole situation as positive.

The stress of my workplace.
-quit and find a new place of employment!
Or look at it through positive eyes and wait patiently until you go away to school and find another place in that fabulous mall to work at. Hopefully they’ll take you.

The stress of the unknown.
-nobody knows.

Christina.
-you’re practically done with her. Just tell her no whenever she wants a ride. Tell her you’re not friends ….
😉

How Can You Be Sure?

How can you be sure that you are choosing the right man/woman? I don’t think you can be. When people say “Oh, I just knew”,  I think you’re full of…. (wait for it)…shit. Now I’m not saying that you’re wrong, or that you didn’t feel something that you never have felt before (which, you have to admit happens all the time.. I mean we are constantly experiencing new emotions and connections). I’m not saying that your spouse, fiancé, boyfriend, or crush is not the “one” for you, I’m simply questioning how you could know something so immense, that is meant to last for longer than you’ve been alive right now (unless you’re marrying closer to your death bed than others). How can you be so sure that this man or woman, is going to be there for you and not change in five years, or even five months? No one can be sure of that. Every day, we are all changing into the person we want to become, or we are guided off track and someday hope to get back on. We are not the same as we were yesterday, so how can we be sure that when we wake up next to the person we chose twenty years ago, that we will still love him. Maybe that’s what people intend to mean when they say they “just know”… they actually meant that they knew this person would be lovable even through out the changes, and that they are worth sticking around to find out if the changes are good or bad. Your Mr. Right, is the one to wait for, and you want to spend the rest of your life trying to make that person happy if that is what it takes to be there with them on the journey. Just ask yourself how can you be sure…. if you like your answer, then fly with it.

 

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I think I love Curtis (that sounds terrible, I know, but allow me to finish)…

I think I love Curtis because we grow together. We have been making decisions together and we have been growing together as “a unit”. I’m 19, he is 21, and yet when I sit from behind my computer screen I can see that it’s like we are already married and have been married for quite some time. I have gone through so much with him, and I hope that I help him grow as much as he has helped me. My dear cousin has tried to explain to me her fears about what God explains in His word, but I might have to disagree. Curtis has done nothing but bring me closer to God. I am not planning on getting married any time soon, but I do think that Curtis is helping me grow in the right path. It feels as if everyone is asking me what I think and I have never been able to explain myself or decide anything. I am a terrible decision maker, and I feel as if everyone (my chiropractor, my cousin, my youth leader and small group) are asking me what I believe and why I believe it. This is all because of Curtis. I wouldn’t be in this position of my life if it wasn’t for Curtis. I would be without a small group, I wouldn’t have brought up the topic to my chiropractor, and my cousin wouldn’t be so worried. I would have never posted a status to Facebook, asking for advice and bible verses on interacting with a “non-believer”, and I never would have gotten so much support, love, and advice from it. I think that a life partner should be there with you through out all of life’s big changes, and you help one another along the way. I think I have found my man.

-Mackenzie Diaries