I’ve been planning for my “forever” ever since I was ..oh, I don’t know.. five years of age, perhaps?
Now that I think I have found the one that I am willing to spend the rest of my life with, I’ve been having pit stops to get to my “happily ever after” part.
I’m not saying that I’ve chosen the wrong one, or that I’m making a wrong decision. It’s the people that I love, my family, close friends and mentors, that have these questions and wisdom behind their questions that is concerning me.
They have brought up these points, most times it hasn’t been directly towards me, but it’s embedded in the back of my mind that their subtle concerns will eventually affect my marriage down the road.
These concerns are as follows (in no particular order):
1.) (A disclaimer of sorts: I don’t like calling myself religious. I’m as much of a Christ follower as I try to be. I believe in God, in His word and that He has plans for me. It’s a daily struggle, believe me, but I definitely feel it in my heart that God has a mighty effect on my life.)
If I’m as faithful/religious as I say I am, why would I marry someone who is not a believer.
2.) How will you raise your children if he doesn’t go to church/doesn’t believe
3.) This major difference could have bigger affects on your relationship down the road
(ex: fighting, differences in parenting, what the future children will believe, how the children will believe me if their father doesn’t believe, etc)
4) Marriage will mean a different thing for me (more of a Godly connection/ceremony) than it will to him.
So, you can see there are plenty of differences that I’m battling with.
My cousin, who is married to another Christ follower (I actually stood up in their wedding), texted me one afternoon, literally out of nowhere on the subject, about how I shouldn’t get my hopes up because it’s pretty much likely to fail.
She did put it in much nicer words and she wrote a 5 page long text explaining herself, even giving me a bible verse or two; but I was so hurt by the input that I never texted her back. In fact, I had no contact with her for at least a month after. (We never really saw much of each other so it wasn’t that big of a deal, but we hung out later and she apologized for it, knowing that she hurt me, but I know that her thoughts still stand with her beliefs in a way. I wish I would have apologized for not texting her back.)
Anyway, when she texted me with that I remember looking down at my iPhone while working, but waiting until after work to read it in my car because I figured it was important to respond to.
I had all of the intentions to respond, but I had no words for it. I couldn’t form anything. I just sat there shaking, with tears welling up in my ears, making the screen hard to read, in my little red car in the ending months of winter. I had just gotten to a point in my relationship with him where I was really happy. I was happy with my decision to be with him, and not my coworker who gave me a hard time about going out with him. (Which is a whole different story to tell). I gave up the idea of being with my coworker so that I could be with this non believer, man of my dreams (fyi:both men are non believers), only to receive this text from my loving, only-wanting-to-look-out-for-me cousin to tell me that I may have made the wrong decision; maybe I should have chosen to stay alone for a bit longer, see how things played out in God’s time.
I read that text and just couldn’t respond, so instead I pondered on it for months, on and off, but the thought still lingers around like a dark shadow hanging over me and my future.
My mother had also brought it up to me one night that she worried that things wouldn’t work out because I’m a believer and he is not.
(For the record: Currently, my boyfriend does not believe in God per se, he believes in a “higher power”. He doesn’t believe in the bible, but he is willing to go to church with me every Sunday. He has been with me a couple of times before, but since we are long distance, he obviously can’t come every week. He has told me that he would love to come with every Sunday when we get to be together, but I’m a very skeptical person, so I’m just going to plan on having to sit alone through church, but hope that he will want to come. )
When she told me this, she added that if it wasn’t for God, she doesn’t know how her and my dad would have stayed married, or something along those lines…
When she told me this, we ended that night with me crying in her arms and feeling absolutely terrible. I cried myself to sleep that night and when Curtis (my boyfriend, haha maybe I could have told you his name awhile ago!) texted me the next morning I acted different. I told him we had to talk about things. I can’t remember exactly how it went over, because we have discussed this many times and he counsels me through it with the most beautiful structure of words I could never get to repeat because honestly, his words come from his heart. I just know that every time a doubt comes into my mind about him, I go to my God and then I go to Curtis and tell him about what I’m struggling with and he helps me through it and I just feel so relieved. I know and I understand that this relationship might get rough with the differences we have, but I just can’t see how God would bring me to Curtis, this perfect man, the exact man that I prayed to Him for, only to tell me that I can’t have him. I’m really struggling to figure out what is right and if I am being tested in such ways. What if I end up marrying the perfect guy, but he’s not actually who God wants me to be with? How can I feel so compelled and pulled to one person, as if he is my answer. How can it feel like God has led me here, but at the same time I’m questioning if it’s right or wrong?